Thursday, November 1, 2007

The Wheels Keep Spinning

A couple of days ago, I was called vain, in the worst possible way. I opened up and told somebody that I have been worried about something, so much that I lose sleep. My mind is racing, I've been beating myself up and asking questions like why things happen in life, what is God's plan, and what the future holds, all of which are basically a big black hole of what ifs...? However, in the context of conversation, I believe the word she was looking for was egotistical. In either case, I don't think I am or was in this particular instance, even.
In a totally unrelated conversation, it was also insinuated, by the same person, that I care too much about the color of a person's skin. Not once, but three times was this statement made and each time more severely. Mine was an innocent observation and opinion (one she told me she's heard a thousand times from different people) about how it was funny that a relative's child bore more of a resemblance to her than one of her own children. Is that a negative reflection of who I am or what type of person I have become?

Although I believe these statements to be untrue it bothers me so much that someone else would think these things about me and tell me, in a not-so-straight-forward manner. Round and round in circles, in my brain, I go thinking "Am I really being that way? Is that who I really am and have been missing it all these years? Do other people think this about me?" This is the part of my brain that I wish I could signal down out of being the way it is: Self critical, over-analyzing and at times- my own worst enemy. Bottom line? I care too much about what people think. I always have. If there was a switch that could be flipped, I'd do it. Even if I could turn the volume down a little, I would be satisfied because the noise in my head is so damn loud.

What truly bothers me about this particular instance is that I consider this person a friend. I trust her with my most personal thoughts and experiences. I value her opinion. I would seek her advice on important decisions or personal matters. She could be someone I'd cry to if I needed (a good kick in the ass) to.
Right now, I tell myself that she was wrong. She does not know me at all. Perhaps, I touched a nerve which caused her to lay into me. Or maybe, what she said was meant to ruffle my feathers, question my character in the presence of others, no more.

Mission accomplished. Good job. You made me think (obsess) about it.

I know who I am, what values I hold, what is important to me and that it shows in the way I interact and treat other people. I know I am a modest, humble and over all a good person and *what she said was flat out wrong.

*Unfortunately, it will be back to haunt my brain in the wee hours of the night (or day) when I least expect.


tommie said...

don't know that I have any great insight or anything....but I hope this all turns out okay....

Sandi said...

Sounds like one of those "WTF" friends that we all have who seem to know when and how to stick the knife in. Somehow I can't imagine you being either of those two things she mentioned.

kimmyk said...

i hate when someone plants a seed and then i let it grow.

i dont know what has you bothered but for her to say that to you-well, it's not nice.

i'm like that though-i will analyze everything and somehow worry over it. i need to stop it and so do you.

Anthony said...

More and more, I believe that the people in our lives really know very little about what actually makes us tick.
They see something on the surface, or make it up entirely, and to them, this rather inconsequential event or feeling becomes your personality. I'm not sure how it works, but it often does.

Usually, it's something we did or said once that they project into our entire personality. That's why it's not a good idea to give any one person so much power over our self worth.

Batfrog3 said...

Mira mami,
You know who you are and I feel that I know you. I was there and I think you are the cream for the peaches. Now, go to sleep. You have a big day ahead.

Scoobers said...

Thank you all for your comments. It's still driving me nuts that somebody thinks these things about me but for now I feel like I am okay with it. All I can do is brush it off and know that I am not inherently either of those things.
But yes KimmyK... the seed does grow. I plan to yank this one out by the roots if I am able.

BF3- thanks. seriously, you rock.

d said...

well, i've never met you, but i can say that i'm this way myself. i hate it when people think negative things about me. especially if i feel they are untrue.

i've learned over the years that most people project things they don't like about themselves on to others. or see some tiny thing in others that they don't like about themselves and make it bigger than it is.

being human means being fallible (sp?). all you can do is try to work on changing things you don't like about yourself and not be too critical about others' faults.

try not to lose too much sleep over it.

Scoobers said...

I have not talked to her about this because, well, we all know how I hate confrontation, but have written it off as a few comments by someone who was:

A: Connecting what I had said out of fear and reflecting on my own mortality to something personal that she had experienced at one time, took slight offense to (although it had nothing to do with any of that) and lashed out.

B. Trying to make herself appear the more thoughtful, socially aware and PC person in front of someone else while (inadvertently? i can only hope) making me out to be a culturally/racially insensitive person.


C. (and I can say this because I am a woman) PMSing.

Seriously, thanks for the insight and support. D- no longer losing sleep over this.

It's cool.