Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Buried In the Past (and This Blog)

Buried among the slew of today's posts, kind of hoping no one will read this, is another vivid dream. One that made me feel when I woke up. If you do read this, I ask that you comment for my sanity's sake and so that I don't feel like a complete fucktard.

Act I, Scene I: My parents called to tell me that Scoobie was alive again. Somehow she was back, so I went to their house to see her. She looked completely different. Her hair was long and matted. Her eyes looked old and diseased with cataracts. She was weak and could barely move. She lifted her head and tried to get up to come to me but her back legs did not seem to work. I rushed to her and laid down on the floor next to her. I pet her ears and head and kissed her, telling her I loved her. She died right there while I was laying with her. Jackie came around with yellow eyes, looking like a ferocious, rabid SS police dog. She darted around the corner and I did not see her again. Red, brown and yellow leaves blew around the backyard.

Act I, Scene II: I was in a convenience store that was located within a complex of condominiums/resort. There was a large pool area with a waterfall that I could see through the large window in the back. I ran into an old friend, DP, greeted him and gave him a hug. I told him that Christine was around somewhere and should be here shortly. Then we ran into an ex-boyfriend of mine. We all stood around talking for a while when, during the conversation, I came to understand that we were to be married the next day. I froze and started to panic a little because this man had really hurt me in the past and wasn't sure when all of this had transpired. Mommy came around the corner carrying a pack of gum and other things she had picked up. Daddy was carrying a financial investment magazine of some kind. I flipped though it briefly. They seemed to be aware of the next day's plans so I hesitantly shrugged off my confusion and apprehension.
GW and I went to my childhood bedroom, sat on my bed and and lay together on the afghan Gramma Marcy had crocheted for me when I was little. We had a brief 'frollick' and blankets were everywhere. Just before the interaction became ultimately intimate (for lack of better wording and censorship) he sat up on the end of the bed and turned his back to me. His head hung very low. I immediately was angry and annoyed at the way he seemed to be sulking for attention. When he spoke, his tone exuded indifference and hatefulness. He stood up to dress. Cautiously, I questioned him why he was acting the way he was and received only a dead blank stare. Then he said that the wedding was tomorrow and that I shouldn't make so much of things. I told him then and there that there was no way I could marry him if this was the way things were going to be. Christine and DP came into the room at this time to collect me and we all walked out together.

I was a little hesitant to post this one because I woke up feeling a little beside myself, uneasy and unrested. It is not something that I normally would put out there but for Dream Diary's sake, I need to. The Scoobie portion of the dream set my emotional state. My heart was heavy over her death again and I felt sadness that Jackie was not her sweet self. As for Act I Scene II, I have not dreamed of GW in quite a very long time and don't know why I would now. It seems strange to post it when I am so uncomfortable with it but in the end, it's just a dream right?
In true life, our relationship ended very badly and affected me in a way that no other had previously or in years to follow. I do not think that I would allow someone to emotionally injure me that severely ever again, even in a dream.


Catheroo said...

You're not a fucktard at all. But these dreams are very unsettling.

You might have dreamed about the ex because you are doing the 365 thing, and somewhere in the back of your subconscious, there he is. And maybe he wants to come out. Unfortunately. (I'm not psychic or a medium or into voodoo or anything...just my version of dream analysis here).

The Scoobie part is sadder, I think. I have no explanation for that one, but maybe she'll appear in another dream all sweet and happy like you remember her. Maybe there was a loud, raucous dog outside while you were dreaming and you picked up on that in your sleep?

Yeah, I know I shouldn't quit my day job.

I hope you have sweeter dreams tonight.

Just Laura said...

Sweetie, I am soooo sorry about Scoobie as I absolutely understand.

I cannot decipher any type of dream but I wanted to let you know we all have them from time to time. You just seem to be having a run on upsetting dreams. What are you doing right before bed?

In reference to catheroo's comment - I wish I could quit my day job.

Scoobers said...

Dreams are strange. Mine affect me so much just as I am waking up, which is when I grab my laptop and start tapping away because I know I won't remember it later.
Then, as it always happens the dream fades along with the emotions it stirred up.
Why I dream what I do puzzles me.

And Laura, no sleep aids, no Nyquil (haven't used it for a few months), no big meals just before bed... i dunno.