A couple of days ago, I was called vain, in the worst possible way. I opened up and told somebody that I have been worried about something, so much that I lose sleep. My mind is racing, I've been beating myself up and asking questions like why things happen in life, what is God's plan, and what the future holds, all of which are basically a big black hole of what ifs...? However, in the context of conversation, I believe the word she was looking for was egotistical. In either case, I don't think I am or was in this particular instance, even.
In a totally unrelated conversation, it was also insinuated, by the same person, that I care too much about the color of a person's skin. Not once, but three times was this statement made and each time more severely. Mine was an innocent observation and opinion (one she told me she's heard a thousand times from different people) about how it was funny that a relative's child bore more of a resemblance to her than one of her own children. Is that a negative reflection of who I am or what type of person I have become?
Although I believe these statements to be untrue it bothers me so much that someone else would think these things about me and tell me, in a not-so-straight-forward manner. Round and round in circles, in my brain, I go thinking "Am I really being that way? Is that who I really am and have been missing it all these years? Do other people think this about me?" This is the part of my brain that I wish I could signal down out of being the way it is: Self critical, over-analyzing and at times- my own worst enemy. Bottom line? I care too much about what people think. I always have. If there was a switch that could be flipped, I'd do it. Even if I could turn the volume down a little, I would be satisfied because the noise in my head is so damn loud.
What truly bothers me about this particular instance is that I consider this person a friend. I trust her with my most personal thoughts and experiences. I value her opinion. I would seek her advice on important decisions or personal matters. She could be someone I'd cry to if I needed (a good kick in the ass) to.
Right now, I tell myself that she was wrong. She does not know me at all. Perhaps, I touched a nerve which caused her to lay into me. Or maybe, what she said was meant to ruffle my feathers, question my character in the presence of others, no more.
Mission accomplished. Good job. You made me think (obsess) about it.
I know who I am, what values I hold, what is important to me and that it shows in the way I interact and treat other people. I know I am a modest, humble and over all a good person and *what she said was flat out wrong.
*Unfortunately, it will be back to haunt my brain in the wee hours of the night (or day) when I least expect.
