Monday, April 14, 2008

Driving Lesson

In order to keep up with my "Give No Info of True Importance Because People Are Watching Blog Theme" I would like to post this lesson and thank J.S. for this one.

Now, drivers, pay attention...

Loop 101 in the East Valley

Lesson 1: Driver Survival in Phoenix AZ

  1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: "FEE-NICKS".
  2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
  3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy".
  4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley-SUV driving-cell phone talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
  5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussedout, and possibly shot.
  6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
  7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
  8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
  9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain Freeway and the San Tan Freeway. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway. And if all that isn't enough to remember, SR51 has recently been renamed to Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy pronounce. SR 101 is also the Pima Freeway except west of I-17 where it's the Agua Fria Freeway and South of SR202 where it's the Price Freeway. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.
  10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
  11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
  12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
Thank you and drive safely.


Lori said...

Why do they have so many names for highways? It's like that in Chicago too and it drives me crazy to listen to the traffic report because I don't know all the names.

I am surprised that people drive so fast in AZ, don't you have a lot of snow birds out there that are scared to drive over 60?

I remember when I lived in AZ the streets (not the highways) were so organized, numbers ran east/west and names north/south or was it the other way around.

Sandi said...

Except for 9 and 12, you could be describing Northern California! At least people in TUCSON know how to drive (tongue firmly in cheek).

Mandy Lou said...

Yep, I thought you were talking about San Francisco too! Why do you think I'm out here!! Though that yellow light thing - it's about the same thing here.

Just Laura said...

Ahhhhh... home sweet home. All of it is correct and I should know since I'm an outside rep. I drive for a living.

Lori - yes we have snowbirds who are scared to drive over 40 (some 35). They just add to the obstacle course.

In Sun City (over 55 living) watch out for those customized golf carts! They come from everywhere and are street legal!

Scoobers said...

Lori- the 'grid' system to the streets is great. you really can't get lost. well... i can.

Sandi- i think the problem in tucson is that there are too many people and they need to widen/fix roads. i guess they are on some ends of town.

MandyLou- yellow means speed up not caution slow down. :)

Ingrid said...

And what ideas do we have for not scarring ourselves with the metal part of the seatbelt! I have seen many-a-branding on folks here.

Anthony said...

Feenicks sounds like a tough town. Pity me for wanting to visit someday. I'll have to toughen my driving skills.

I can only imagine how they treat people on bicycles. Probably as moving targets.