Scoobers Lives!

This is a story about two puppies...

Scoobers and Blackberry.

Once upon a time, on a sunny summer day, Scoobers was playing in the water when all of a sudden a bee began to buzz around, terrorizing her and threatening to sting her! Just then, another puppy named Blackberry happened by to see what was going on. He yelled at the bee, chased it away and Scoobers was safe. Blackberry seemed like a very nice puppy. He was very outgoing, friendly and made one kick-ass Bloody Mary. Blackberry quickly became friends with Scoobers and the rest of her pack. All the puppies hung out and had great fun together.

Scoobers and Blackberry formed a close friendship. They went places together, shared laughs, stories, dreams, fears, tears and talked about everything, often until the sun came up the next day. Both had found a wonderful friend in the other and they were happy.





As time went by, Blackberry began to act strangely. He made pointed comments to Scoobers when she showed any interest in other boy dogs and tried to discourage her from making friends with them. You see, Blackberry had developed feelings for Scoobers which surpassed the realm of friendship and this made Scoobers a little uncomfortable. She told Blackberry that, although she appreciated him and valued his friendship, his feelings were not reciprocated in the same way. Blackberry said, "I understand. Your friendship means more to me than anything and I would never want to do anything to jeopardize it." All was right and the two remained friends.

Eventually, time passed, the two puppies grew up and as all grown-ups know, life got somewhat complicated. It's a dog's life, after all. Blackberry had continued to say and do some things that scared Scoobers. He also made her sad and uneasy. She talked to him about this several times but it seemed that Blackberry had formed some sort of a pattern and no sooner than a promise to change was made, it would be broken and Scoobers would end up feeling bad again. The situation was dark and hopeless.
It was then that Scoobers decided that she needed her space and although Blackberry had always been there for her when she needed him, she felt that his actions had negatively impacted and damaged their friendship beyond repair. In many other ways her life was taking on a new direction and she required change within herself and around her. She hoped that he would understand.



Many months went by and Scoobers was happy.


Then, one day, Blackberry contacted Scoobers. He was in trouble-- big trouble and needed someone who would listen. Scoobers could not turn her back on her old friend. As best she could, she tried to offer support. At the same time she was wary that Blackberry may try to enter her life again. She was very happy with the way things were and did not wish to revisit the dark place again. They talked a couple of times, he keeping her updated with his situation, her lending an ear. One night, as they sat chatting, Scoobers talked and talked and talked. And then talked some more. She told Blackberry some of the things that were going on in her life, with her family and friends. Then she shared with him a website. Her website. "How funny it is that I can talk and write so much about nothing! In fact! That's what it is! A website about nothing!" She laughed. "You should check it out!" She laughed again. Then she gave him the URL.


Over the next few weeks a little birdie told Scoobers that Blackberry had been visiting her site almost every day and sometimes two times a day! This continued for weeks but Scoobers knew that Blackberry had to go away for a while... on a camping trip. She decided to keep tabs on dates and times that Blackberry came and sure enough he only visited when his owners let him out of the tent to 'do his business'. As soon as Blackberry returned from camp he also returned to frequently and regularly lurking. Again, Scoobers felt violated. She knew that the things she wrote, she displayed for all to see- nothing too private and she usually kept it light with the knowledge it might be found by those she knew. Still, she felt icky inside knowing that Blackberry was checking up on her. She did not feel that his intentions were meritable since he never commented or made it known that he visited. In fact, he sent her cards and messages alluding that he did not visit by asking questions about the very things Scoobers wrote about and purposely- obviously misspelled certain names that appeared frequently in Scoobers writing. This irritated Scoobers. Knowing this, she stopped writing. She did not feel comfortable anymore doing something she quite enjoyed doing. People wondered where she went. Had she had dropped off the face of the earth? Deserted the bloggers' scene? She missed her friends and .comrades but could not bear to know that someone out there was 'secretly' watching her ever so closely from afar.

Torn, Scoobers wanted to write but couldn't bring herself to do it... until today.


Scoobers remembered a long lost icon. Someone who was always able to overcome, cared not what others thought and did what he had to do. He was a survivor! Pish! And Pish lives forever!
In remembering this, Scoobers was able to write again. She wrote a story for someone hoping that if he read it, would see how she felt in a different light. Maybe, he would finally understand what she needed. Scoobers hoped for the best for Blackberry and wished him well in his quest to make amends with people in his life. She wished him well in everything he will do. After that, Blackberry moved on to live a happy, separate life and Scoobers was happy once more.

The moral of this story: Do not give out your blog web address to someone who has demonstrated even mild to moderate obsessive, stalker-type behavior (i.e. spying, eavesdropping, driving by), no matter how many glasses of wine you've had.



*This post was based upon a true story. The characters are not fictional. Any resemblance to a particular lurker out there is not coincidental. Names have been changed to protect the lurker. If you are this lurker, please stop lurking. Seriously, for the last time, please let me be. I am going to have to lock my account or find a different server. If you think you know this lurker, please do not comment. Thank you.
**Artwork by Kathy-rine

Loss... and Found

I was overcome with a sense of loss and grief yesterday. I went to visit my friends, three of them, and they were gone. Like gone-gone. No longer there. Poof! Forever. The place was empty. I peered in the windows trying to find a trace of them but there was none. So, I did what any loyal person would do. I tried to track them down. I called 411 to get the scoop. They gave me a new street location (oh, thank God!) and a phone number. I called it. I felt a little like Columbo. When the call connected, this is what I heard, "All circuits are busy. Please try your call again later. Announcement. Eight switch four eight dash four." Excuse me but WTF? I drove around in a haze. What do I do now? My plans were crushed. All the dreams that could have been made a reality were no longer possible. "It could have been so beautiful. It could have been so right..." Yes. I am quoting Tiffany but I should be quoting Enrique. "You can run you can hide but you can't escape my love!"

I sent an email to them this morning, hoping for a reply and I got one. They are alive and well but have moved out of town, to Tucson. They said I am welcome to visit them whenever I want to!
Oh, my friends. I love you!

The best furniture and nick-knack store EVER!*

*That's my slogan. Not theirs. But they can use it if they want to because they are good to me and I love them!

Gah!

Punky Moods should have an I Feel like-someone-just-punched-my-gut-
and-poured-ice-water-over-my-head-
whilst-in-the-middle-of-a-comfy-warm-bed-
and-a-delightful-dream Mood.
Ever have one of those moments? I've been off work for a week and my alarm just went off for the first time.

Time to rejoin the real world.

F U * *

• Fortunately, I made it over to my sister's house and we had a nice night tonight.
• Unfortunately, when I got in my car to leave it wouldn't start.
• Fortunately, Laura had jumper cables!
• Unfortunately, that didn't work.
• Fortunately, we both have AAA!
• Unfortunately, they were also unable to jump start my car and said it's most likely my alternator and, more unfortunate still, my warranty expired almost exactly 1000 miles ago.
  
• Fortunately, they said they could tow my car to the Jeep dealership anyway.
• Unfortunately, it is 2 am and the dealership is closed.
  
• Fortunately, he said it should be fine, that there would be a drop off and drop box.
• Unfortunately, on the drive there, I think Dookie peed on the floor of the tow truck :/
  
• Fortunately, he drove with the windows down and didn't seem to notice.
• Unfortunately, we shivered all the way because the wind chill inside the cab felt like 20 degrees F.
  
• Fortunately, he said he could drop me and Dookie off on the way to the dealership.
• Unfortunately, I had zero cash on me for a tip and felt like a big piece of shit.
• Fortunately, I apologized and he seemed really nice and did not care or expect one.
  
• Unfortunately, ten minutes after he dropped us off I receive a phone call telling me that he had to drop my car off at the Ford dealership next door because the Jeep dealership's gates were closed. wtf?
  
• Fortunately, I live directly behind this dealership and can walk my happy ass over there at the butt crack of dawn when they open, so that I may explain and my car does not get removed from their premises.
• Unfortunately, it is currently 3:42 and the question of whether or not to go to sleep is weighing heavily on my mind.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

• Fortunately, I have nothing else to do today so I can stay home and take a nap while my car is being fixed. So now, I think I'll set my alarm, snuggle in bed and watch Little House before I doze off. Nighty Night!
  

Sometimes, More Is More

Cupcake, originally uploaded by scoobers

Cupcake season has officially arrived! The air outside is cool(er). Ovens are fired up. Bloggers are baking. Each time I log on I see cupcakes galore and the places where I don't see cupcakes I find people seeking them out. Lori, this is yet another tortuous post for you to endure during your prenatal cravings. Apologies!

Today, my friend, KB turned thirty-six years old and so I thought I would officially ring in cupcake season by whipping up a batch of my own special*, sprinkled, delights for her. I planned to make enough so that her 'herd' would be able to enjoy them as well. I filled the cups half way with batter so I could stretch it out and make more of them. I ended up with cakes not mushrooming over the tops of their tinfoil incubators but resembling golden brown hockey pucks. In order to compensate for the missing tops I layered the sweet, delicious vanilla cream frosting on pretty thick.

On her way over to my house tonight, KB received a phone call from the family of one of our patients who told her that he had lost his year long battle with cancer. It was pretty tough to hear because I know they made every effort, tried every option and that he fought with everything he had. The family is super tight, as is the bond between my patient and his brother. I pray that he finds the means to make it though such a difficult time.

Now, I can't sleep because my mind is running in circles, again, over the reactions of others towards choices I have made and continue to make. Earlier tonight, KB and I drove out to the hospital together to visit another patient of ours. On the way there I told her that a couple of the other nurses shook their heads in a disapproving manner when they found out that we visit our patients after they are moved to ICU or keep in touch with them or their families after they are discharged. We talked about the line that should not be crossed and how to know when you've reached it.

During the conversation between KB and our patient's brother he told her that 'D' told him to let, specifically, the two of us know that he felt truly cared for by us. Going beyond our 'work' in the hospital made a difference in his life and the appreciation for that was voiced by his family. This only solidifies my thinking that our patients are still our patients whether or not we see them when we clock in to work and that taking the time, our own time, to make sure they are taken care of makes a difference in how they perceive the 'care' they get. I plan to continue giving more of myself to my patients and their families. If this means that I become attached to some of them and end up hurting because of an unfortunate outcome then so be it. The sorrow I feel is nothing compared to what they must go through and if spending time with them, crying with them and following up with their families after they've gone is what it takes for them to know that their caregivers truly care, then that is what I need to do.

Right now, I am going to go to the kitchen to soothe myself with cupcakes, extra extra frosting and a big glass of ice cold milk.

*By 'my own' I mean my own box of Betty Crocker vanilla cake mix and white vanilla frosting.

Project *x365

I come across some pretty cool posts and interesting ideas when reading other people's blogs. Today, I was over at Schmutzie's site and found a link to the *x365 project. This guy decided, when he turned 40, that he would make a list of 365 people he has encountered in his lifetime. He wanted to write about each person, in 40 words- no more, no less, each day of the year, and take "a year long journey" through his life.

I think this is such a great idea to recall those people, who may be just a fleeting memory, who have made some impact in our lives. Every person we encounter makes something of an impression on us but certain people do so in a way that causes us to remember them for one reason or another. I have decided to participate in the project and am in the process of compiling my list of people, which is not as easy a task as it would sound, according to the *x365 mastermind. I created a page so that I can keep track of my own project's progress.

If you are interested in finding out how this project was started and how you can participate, please visit the *x365 website.

Blah Because...

I had to and I hate putting myself out there.
I feel the need to apologize for everything.
So much to do and so little time.
It's my first night back and I have not slept since 5 am.
Five nights until I can be back to a 'normal' schedule.
It's a full freakin' moon.
Need I say more?

Do you all hate returning to "the daily grind" as much as I do?

Everything For a Reason

I believe this to be true but I am too tired, after just getting off of work, to explain.
Surprises! I am so excited and happy! I need to prepare. There is so much to do.
Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!!!

How am I ever going to be able to sleep NOW?

Photos and much more to come... stay tuned.

So Long, Dear Friend

Leave a Comment
at Scoobie's Photo Memorial

I was awoken at about 11 am this morning by Christine when she came home for lunch. She normally comes home a little after noon and we sit in the livingroom, eat, chit-chat and, dare I say, watch The Bold and the Beautiful. Today she was early. Today, she also came into my room and sat on my bed. I looked at the clock and asked her why she was early and she told me that our mom had sent an email out to tell us that our beloved dog, of 13 years, had passed away last night. She wanted to buffer the news that Mommy couldn't tell us in person because she was unable to do so without breaking down in tears.

We are all very sad but also thankful that we had so many years and good memories of her. Also, we are grateful that she passed quietly and peacefully.
My mom and dad told me that she had been laying in the hallway. Her breathing was labored and she did not seem to want to move. They brought her some water and although she did not appear to be in pain she lifted her head but did not attempt to get up or take a drink. A while later my parents, in the next room, heard her get up and walk into the kitchen and lay down between the island and the desk. My dad went in to check on her only to find that she had stopped breathing.
My mother said, "She went just like Scoobie. So quiet. Such a good girl."
It gives me comfort to think that Scoobie and Jackie are together again- playing, chasing, teasing and egging one another on. Maybe we will see them too someday on the Rainbow Bridge.

Good bye, Scoobers. We will miss you.

~Mom

Please feel free to leave comments about your memories of Scoobie on the Flickr photos.

Simply, click the comment link underneath the photos. You do not need to have an account to post a comment.

Go to Scoobie's Photo Memorial now.

A Great Week

My Old Friend, originally uploaded by scoobers1.

Last week was a great week. I turned 34, got to go to Vegas for the first time, visited with a friend I have not seen in 10 years and spent a few days with the family. How much better can life get?
Vegas was a blast. It was everything that I thought it would be and I am definitely planning on going back.
The day after we got back, I jumped in the car, picked up my niece and headed down to Tucson for a couple of days. Pretty great birthday-weekend, if you ask me.
Thirty four is not such a bad number. It's when I hit 35, my mid-thirties, that I may start to panic a bit. My friend's mom, Sandi, sent me an email last night and told me that she had seen the pictures Jenni took while she was visiting Tucson. She was shocked to see that I am 'all growed up', 'a grown woman'.
Sandi, you are not nearly as in shock as I am. I still see, in my sister, that little girl from way back when and am a little fazed when I think of the two of us as 'adults'.
Seeing Jenni as a wife and a mother blew me away. She is so grounded, mature and such a good mom but I still see my old friend, who came to every one of my birthday parties, in there.
Another reality check? It was brought to my attention that my 20 year HS reunion is coming up in 4 years!
My niece will be a TEENAGER in one year.
Time goes by so fast. I can only hope that I am spending it well and that everything will continue to fall into place.

Tagged with a Music Meme...

Little Pink Houses for You and Me

... and feeling nostalgic!

First of all, I had to look up the word, "meme":

meme (mēm)
n.

A unit of cultural information, such as a cultural practice or idea, that is transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another.

I'm not sure if this definition covers what is going on when one 'tags' another with a blog post but here it is anyway.

1. Name between 5 & 10 songs that have made an impact on your life. I'll leave it up to you to decide how many you wish to describe.
2. Pass it onto five other people with a link back to your own post and this one as the original.

Only ten?! Where do I even begin? ok... I know... Memories. Most of the songs that cause an emotional response, of some sort, have a memory attached to them. Funny how most of the songs are from days long gone. I tell you... they just don't make music like they used to. Is that the truth or does that mean I'm old now?
Here are some of the songs that can still bring me back to the moment:

• "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd: This has always been one of those songs I could listen to over and over on my headphones. Some how it makes me feel just that... comfortably numb. Memory association with this one... we camped out in the mountains and I could hear this song echoing through the darkness. Perfect.
  
• "Yesterday" by The Beatles: My friends and I were influenced early by 'Ch's' dad, 'GWM'. He was a Beatles fanatic and was hell bent on turning us into fans too. He succeeded. We would sit on her living room floor after school and play his records. Sentimental, emotional teens we were. We laid in the middle of the floor and sang this again and again, sometimes tearing up. Oh... what we thought we knew about "yesterday" back then. If only I could have a word with those girls.
  
• "Love Song" by Tesla: I remember the very first time I heard this song. We were sitting in geometry class in HS. 'Bill Sam' handed me his Walkman and told me to listen. I fell in love with the song right there during the guitar intro. It has remained one of my all time favorites and has become my personal ballad of late.
  
• "Hysteria" by Def Leppard: There are so many years and people associated with this one but if any one song could transport me back to a specific time and place, this is it. It was graduation night and my ex-boyfriend and I went back to the football field for one last time in the middle of the night. He brought his radio with him and played "Hysteria". We cried and danced on the field knowing our high school days were over. I'm still a major Def Leppard fan and went to the concert last year. We are planning on going to the September 2007 one, as well and I can't wait!
  
• "My Old Friend" by Tim McGraw: This is a fairly new song, but in keeping with the nostalgic flow of this post, I will tell you that it makes me think of certain people I have lost contact with. Some make me sad. Time goes on. We all move on. But memories linger and will stay as long as I keep sane in my old age.
  
• "Come Softly" by The Fleetwoods: My sisters and I used to play my parent's records on their old HiFi record player. The Fleetwoods' Mr Blue .33 was one of my favorites. It made me look at my mom and dad fondly. It still does.
  
• "These Are the Days" by Van Morrison: My sister and I sat in my car up on top of Mt. Lemmon. We just sat and talked while it rained and this song played. "There is no past. There's only future. There's only here. There's only now."
  
• "Sad Songs Say So Much" by Elton John: I can't help it. Fun songs are great but the sad ones are the best!
  
• "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffet: Anyone who knows me at all will tell you that there is no place that I would rather be than Mexico. Warm sun, cool breeze, flip flops, Dos Equis and friends. Muchos recuerdos maravillosos!
  
• "Small Town" by John Cougar Mellencamp: Anything Mellencamp will bring back great memories of a more simple time in life. Long, hot summers full of friends, birthdays, swimming, parks, dancing and just plain good times. I visited with one of these friends a few days ago. It has been ten years. Been too long, Jenni. It was great to see you!

I tag the following five people:
Jenni
Christine
Borracho
Jana
Kim

I hope you guys respond because I would really love to hear what you have to say. : ) Email, blog, bulletin... I don't care.
Anyone else who would like to partake in music nostalgia, leave a comment!
GawdMom? Mommy? C? L?

Weekly News: Tofu, Life and Passing

Asian Chicken Salad from Pei Wei...
minus chicken, plus tofu

My wonderful extern, 'K', and HUS, 'V', were so awesome and went out to get us food for dinner at work last night. The consensus was Pei Wei, a step down from the pricey PF Chang's, but equally yummy. One of the ICU nurses, who happens to be a vegetarian recommended the Asian Chicken Salad but instead of chicken, tofu. Keeping with my low carb, low lipid diet, I decided that this was a good option and decided to try something new. So this week's new experience helped me to stay on course. They forgot the ginger dressing (which everyone who had tried it before claimed it to be "fabulous") so I tried it plain... the mint leaves were somewhat overpowering so I resorted to Newman's Own Italian (my favorite and loaded with bad stuff... so just a drizzle). It was pretty good and I would order it again. I expected tofu to be mushy white ick but it was pretty darn firm and tasty. I was actually surprised that it LOOKED a lot like chicken strips.
On another note... work news. A patient that I had been taking care of for the last four nights passed away. The multitude of family that was there at the beginning of the shift had just left, except for two. I was there with his son and his wife when he took his last breath. It is an indescribable experience to witness such a thing. My heart went out to his family as he came in a few nights ago, walking, talking, laughing, waiting for treatment when things took a turn for the worse. Such a nice person in general. I am so glad that my patient had family there with him when he finally left this earth. Mostly though, I am glad his son decided to stay. He was the one I was most concerned about because he did not seem ready to lose his dad. He will now have this moment and memory that he was there for his dad in his final hour. He passed quietly and peacefully.
When I tell people that I work on an oncology unit I get asked quite a bit if losing patients bothers me or if it gets too depressing. Yes, I have to admit that it is overwhelming at times but for the most part I am grateful that I am able to make such a difficult time for people a little more bearable a burden. When he finally passed, I was sad for the family. I took a long look at my patient and felt more sad knowing what a decent person he was and what a loss it is that he is gone.
It's funny though, that while I was alone with him, cleaning him, packing up his things, that I only began to tear up when I saw, among his clothing, some nice pants, shoes and a pair of suspenders. I'm not sure why it affected me like it did but I can see him not as a patient but as a person I could have said "hello" to at the grocery store or walking down the street.

I am so glad that I do what I do.

I Can't Even Name This Post

A Toast to Jenni's friend, Catheroo

I got home late from work today and am so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. Even though I know I should be in bed it kills me to think that daylight hours are wasted away by barely sleeping, working, and barely sleeping again... despite the fact that this 7 day work week is the sacrifice I make for wanting to take two vacay's in one month. Ok... I asked for it.
Forcing myself to stay awake to maintain somewhat of a 'normal' person's life, I am outside (it is currently 101 in sunny AZ), drinking my drink and catching up on blogs. This is relaxing for me.
Jenni's page is so cute. It looks like "E" may have an "ET" toe like my sister. I love it. There may be a picture posted later... she will not like it but her toe will maintain its anonymity.
There is a fly that keeps landing on my leg and I am going to swat the _ out of it in a second if it doesn't stop.
L was is another accident this week and totaled the camper. No one was hurt but I hate that I heard it from my mom two days after the fact. I emailed her. Everyone is okay.
It's f***ing hot out here.
Random memories come to my mind time to time and a lot of them have to do with Gramma Mary. Blogs are becoming a means to logging my memories (inaccurate as they may be). I remember Gramma Mary's cold, wet kisses that smelled like Milwaukee's Best.
Damn fly. I need to keep flyswatters in every room like she did.
Did I mention it's hot?
Vegas this weekend! I can't wait! It will be my first real visit as the first time I was there, I was 19 and with my boyfriend, just driving through back from CA to AZ. My friend 'J' and 'S' have everything planned out which I am grateful for since I would be at a loss... hopefully not at the tables. I will be 34 on Sunday, even though MySpace thinks that I am already.
We fly back on Monday night. Tuesday AM I am driving down to Tucson to stay with my parents. Jenni and Co. will be there and I get to see her after ... 10 years? Seriously, has it been that long. I can not believe that. Plus! I get to meet the whole family! So excited!
Two more nights of work and then my vacation begins... I think I can...
Work sucks this week. I love my job but sometimes I think that management just doesn't get what a a staff nurse does during a typical shift at night. Patients do NOT sleep. We do NOT sit around. They are just as sick at night as they are in the day time. I think this misconception is one of the reasons we are continually understaffed with CNA's (God bless 'em) and called into the office for 'a discussion' when we end up working overtime. That's it... no more about work. I can't even think about it. I have to be back in 7 hours and need to sleep.
Shoo fly!
It's too hot to lounge outside.
Finally, a toast, to Jenni's friend, Catheroo. I clicked her link after reading Jenni's post and saw she was blogging & drinking her Fat Tire before bed. A toast to a great weekend for all... Happy Independence Day! Have fun and be safe... nitey nite for now.

Bloody Hell!

As you may know, I work the night shift. I have two front doors, both which have door bells. I tend to park close to the main one in the drive so that the back laundry door is the most accessible to those who come-a-knockin'. This is the doorbell that I can not hear while I am trying to sleep during the day. This week I worked six twelves in a row so that I may have this weekend off to go to Mexico (so excited I can hardly stand it). Three is normal, four is an occasional extra shift (and bearable) but six drives me into the ground. I have averaged 3 1/2 hours of sleep per day the last five days. Needless to say, I am beyond exhausted. I was really looking forward to a long, uninterrupted sleep today. Nyquil on-board, I don't even remember hitting the pillow.
Fifteen minutes ago, the bell I try to cover up was rung, and rung, and then rung again. I managed to slink out of my bed, stumble down the hall and peep through the hole to find the solicitor, a mere stick figure, making his way back down my driveway. He did leave a calling card... see above photo.

I am more than frustrated and now unable to sleep again, hence this irritable post while visions of homicide dance in my wee little head.

God Bless and Holy Mother of Pearl (that was for you 'K').


... right back atcha, JW.

Moving On

I have had discussions with several people this week about friendship. We talked about how important it is to have people around us who will enrich our lives and make us better people. At the same time, we are there for those who need us and to do the same for them. We laugh. We joke and play. We cry. We support one another and create memories and a foundation that give us stability for those times when we need strength.
A sad part of having friends is that, inevitably, some of those friendships end. For better or for worse, it hurts when you come to the realization that the connection you have clung onto is no longer there or that circumstances have changed so drastically that it is impossible or undesirable to maintain the relationship.
Sadly, this week I did make the decision to not attempt to renew a friendship that had been on the rocks more than it's share of times. It has to be said that I was feeling kind of like a failure in friendship because I was told that "I am oil and everybody else like water". All I could think about was how I've failed as a friend, the people I've lost contact with in my life and why couldn't it ever work out with this particular person? I have been tempted at times to email her or call her up but, in all honesty, I have no desire to resume a relationship with her. My trouble is, and always has been, my guilt complex.

As I was talking on the phone with my mom about my decision, I flipped through a pile of mail on my coffee table and came across a piece of real mail. A pretty green envelope with a handwritten address and return on it! A welcome surprise, for sure, among the numerous bills and junk I normally am accustomed to. I opened the card and read it. I started to cry right there on the phone with my mom. Her timing could not have been more perfect.
The card read: "Friendship is one of life's most precious gifts. How thankful I am to call you a friend."
My friend wrote: "Kathy, Just a quick note to say 'Hello!' I just want you to know that you are a wonderful person to be friends with, and that I appreciate you! : )"


It was pure perfect timing that she sent the card as she was not aware of what I was going through. A simple gesture and her words took away all of the doubt and self-blame that I had been made to feel. A little affirmation was what I needed to realize that I am a good friend to those who are receptive, giving of themselves and respectful to our friendship. I now also see that not all relationships are meant to be and that I am not fully to blame for the wreckage of this particular one or incidental related ones.
Although, it still makes me a little sad to think that this is the final chapter and that I am the one to close the book, I am content with the ending, knowing that each of us will have moved on and be happier for it. I wish her the best and will always love her.

p.s. thank you C.A.

SPF: My Bounce

Self Portrait Friday assignment for June 8, 2007
Kristine over at Random and Odd had a rough week last Friday. This week she has her 'bounce' back and thus inspired this weeks assignment:

Show me your bounce. (this could get interesting!)

SPF is usually light and fun but this weeks topic of "Bounce" for me involves a time of letdown, anxiety and self-dislike but eventually resolve.
I received another email from someone who I have considered a friend for most of my life. Everybody has their problems and issues but we two have never quite been able to communicate effectively when a conflict arises.
Being the sensitive and emotional Cancerian that I am, I tend to take things to heart, am very emotional and super sensitive. I recognize this in myself and try to react and respond to situations in an objective manner and to use kind words in order to spare others any pain. Another thing about me is that I HATE conflict of any kind. This is probably the reason that I avoided the debate team in High School, keep my opinions to myself and change the channel immediately if Jerry Springer or Judge Judy come on.
I am also prone to anxiety attacks when confronted with certain kinds of stress. In this case, insulting, insensitive and hurtful comments. This is not the first time my friend, a Gemini, has been hostile and cold to me. I am tired of feeling hurt and sad over the way things have gone. Even more so, I am sick of being made to feel bad about myself because of the things she says and the way she has treated me in the past, and now.

Friendship should not be exhausting. Friendship should not be such hard work.
I have decided that I can't go on like this anymore. Although, it is a tough decision and it makes me a little sad to have to do it, I also feel a sense of freedom and relief when I think about not having to hold my breath for another angry response or endure another stinging and spiteful remark.
I am going to concentrate on the important people I have around me now... to be a good friend to them while I get respect, love and encouragement in return.



I have bounced her email back to her (a feature I have only recently discovered on my Macintosh. It's genius.)

She will not know that she hurt me for the last time.