Driving Lesson

In order to keep up with my "Give No Info of True Importance Because People Are Watching Blog Theme" I would like to post this lesson and thank J.S. for this one.

Now, drivers, pay attention...

Loop 101 in the East Valley

Lesson 1: Driver Survival in Phoenix AZ

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: "FEE-NICKS".
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy".
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley-SUV driving-cell phone talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussedout, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
   
9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain Freeway and the San Tan Freeway. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway. And if all that isn't enough to remember, SR51 has recently been renamed to Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy pronounce. SR 101 is also the Pima Freeway except west of I-17 where it's the Agua Fria Freeway and South of SR202 where it's the Price Freeway. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.
   
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

Thank you and drive safely.

Monsoon, Come Hither!

Dust Storm, originally uploaded by scoobers1.

Getting ready for work, I took a shower and could not dry off, was sweating despite the AC set at 70 and wished I had turned the water to COLD. A beep and a ticker flashed across the bottom of the evening news. The National weather service has issued a severe thunderstorm warning. Yay!
I got in my car and the temperature registered 107 degrees.
There was a red wall of dust headed my way and I have sand in my eyes and nostrils.

So, weather woman, you say the monsoons are coming. Day after day the dew point creeps closer and closer to the real thing. You say we need three consecutive days at a specific dew point to get there but each day on what should be day three, we start back at square one. Drat!
Half of the Arizona desert rose into the atmosphere last night and was followed by a sad attempt at a rain storm. The lightening from the 12th floor was impressive. I wish I had my camera.
When I left work in the morning, the sun burned out my retinas and I was dripping with sweat again. When I got to my car I could barely see through the mud on my windshield.

What happened to the deluge that we were threatened with?

That's it, weather woman. If I want it done right, I will do it myself!

I will do a rain dance! I will play a rain stick! I will pray to the Rain Gods. Consult a rain-maker...

I WILL WASH MY CAR!